Last year this time my life changed tremendously. It wasn’t a change I had planned for and it completely caught me off guard. As a result, I enter a state of depression. Having dealt with depression as a teenager and for what seems like all entire adult life. I recognized the signs immediately.
Each year around my birthday I go through a major change, I first noticed it last year and this year as well, which made me look back over my past birthdays to see what major changes had occurred
Going through a divorce took its toll on me. I'm sure anyone that has been through this knows how hard it can be. It was hard keeping it from the world, trying to keep a smile on my face knowing I was broken on the inside. But it was a process I needed to go through because It revealed so many things to me.
I believe everything happens for a reason even when we don’t understand what that reason is and why it’s happening to us.
Earlier this year, a choice was made and I was expecting. It was a nervous path but I was excited nonetheless.
Having had 5 miscarriage up to this point I wasn’t optimistic but I was hopeful. I remember I started bleeding and started crying because I knew, I just knew it was happening all over again but after going to the doctors, it was confirmed. My little pea was alive and well and doing great.
Imagine my surprise when they asked me to come back to do more tests. Then BOOM, there were TWO! I felt my heart in my throat. I could feel myself panicking, listening to the doctors coaxing me through my fears, telling me to breathe and that everything was going to be alright.
For the first time ever, I got to hear the beautiful music a beating heart inside of me sounded like.
Time stood still as I listened and cried.
I finally saw life.
I finally heard life.
My heart was bursting with joy, happiness, all the good emotions you have ever felt. My doctor said It was okay for me to share the news with my family and I was excited to. I only shared with a few families and my closest friends. I wanted to wait before sharing with my job and the world.
Then 4 days after my last appointment, my biggest fear was happening.
I had a placental abruption. No movement on monitor. No hearts beating.
I could hear the doctors telling me how sorry they were and that they would give me a moment.
It was though I was in the abyss. I felt nothing. I listened as they went over my options but all I wanted to do was go home and take a nap.
This was a dream. I just needed to lay down and wake up from it was all I kept telling myself.
I couldn’t cry and when I finally did I felt my heart breaking like something I’ve never felt before.
I choose to have an at home miscarriage instead of the D&C. It was painful. It was hard. It was emotionally traumatic.
But here’s what I’ve learned, women that have high risk pregnancy are at risk to have a placental abruption and it usually happens in the last trimester. What is a placental abruption?
“A Placental abruption (abruptio placenta) is an uncommon yet serious complication of pregnancy.
The placenta develops in the uterus during pregnancy. It attaches to the wall of the uterus and supplies the baby with nutrients and oxygen. Placental abruption occurs when the placenta partially or completely separates from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery. This can decrease or block the baby's supply of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother. Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, it endangers both the mother and baby” - www.mayoclinic.org
It’s been a difficult process. It’s been two months now and I still don’t know what to feel. Some days are definitely harder than others. Sometimes the emotions I’m feeling washes over me like a wave and it feels like I'm drowning and can’t breathe.
But, I’m learning to take each day one step at a time and process everything I feel. I’m so grateful to have such amazing support around me and therapy have definitely helped a lot as well.
You cannot do it alone, so don’t try. We all need someone.
A loss is a loss and we all grieve differently. The road to recovery isn’t a sprint, it takes time but more importantly, remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Update, June 2019: I found out I was pregnant. Due In February 2020
Update. February 2020: Rainbow Baby Boy was born. Baby Phoenix
