I have separation anxiety. Honestly, I never thought I would experience it. Before the pandemic I was ready to dive back into childcare work full-time with a newborn baby. I was offered a job 3 weeks postpartum and I was ready to go. But I guess even then I had it and didn’t really realize it.
It wasn’t until Phoenix was 4 months old that I realized I had separation anxiety. I think a big part of it stems from not trusting anyone with him because they didn’t understand and still don’t understand who his dad and I are as people and they do not understand my culture.
It wasn’t until I was pregnant and after Phoenix was born that I also realized I was the “stable” friend. The one everyone could rely on, the friend who would babysit and come through at the last minute.
It also made me realize that even though I love my friends and family, I did not want my son to be raised by them. I wanted him to have stability. I want him to be open minded. I want him to try things without fear.
Because of my wants and how I want Phoenix to be raised. My anxiety worsened. I started having nightmares that I died and he would be in his crib crying for hours until his dad got home. I struggled with the thought of his dad raising him full-time. I even struggled with the thought of my mom and his godparents raising him if something should happen to me.
Soon I realized, I didn’t want anyone else to imprint on him because I didn’t trust my community. No one was listening to my concerns on how I wanted him to be raised except his father. Everyone questioned my decisions on what I wanted him to eat, how he learns, how I choose to discipline him. . . everything.
The distrust I had for people around me made my separation anxiety worsen.
I thought maybe after our breastfeeding journey I would feel a bit more secure but I’m still not ready for him to spend the night outside his home.
I only feel comfortable going out by myself if his dad will be home taking care of him. We coordinate our outings so one of us will always be with him. I have absolutely no problem not going out at all if it ever came down to that.
For me, I won’t feel comfortable with anyone else taking care of Phoenix until he’s able to communicate his wants and needs. Until he can fully articulate his feelings, what he wants and don’t want…
Where I go he goes.
I know I’m not the only mom that have separation anxitey when it comes to leaving our child(ren). Every mom experience is different. How are you handling your separation anxiety ?
