Finding Light in the Darkness

Grief is really scary. Rasheena isn’t the first friend I’ve lost, but for some reason, her death is hitting me harder than anything I’ve ever felt. It feels like I’m drowning in a sea of darkness.

On Day 10 of my previous 31 Days of Self-Love series, I remember feeling so lost and confused. One day I felt like I was recovering, and the next, I felt like I was alone and scared. Back then, I thought my sadness would swallow me whole—and honestly, it’s almost the same sadness, if not worse, that I’m feeling now.

Even now, just writing and reflecting, tears are clouding my eyes. I know I’m not alone, and I know I’ll get through this, but GAWD, IT HURTS SO BAD. I’ve been trying to keep up with posting, but I don’t know if I’ll make it to all 31 days. Still, I will try my best.

Here’s my original post: You Are Not Alone: Darkness 2018

Darkness… Darkness… Darkness…

Darkness is a scary place to be in, especially when you feel like you’re all alone.

I was 15 years old when I first attempted suicide. I didn’t want to feel. I was alone, I was scared, and I was angry. At 15 years old, I didn’t understand what self-love was. People talk to you about having self-esteem, but what is self-esteem if you don’t have self-love?

At 15 years old, I wanted so badly to be loved and for someone to understand me. I didn’t want to be in such a dark place anymore. It was becoming hard to breathe, and I felt the depth of my despair.

Depression is a silent killer. Sometimes we’re in a state of depression and don’t even know it.

I didn’t know what depression was at the time, but looking back, I was a depressed teenager.

Darkness is a scary thing to feel.

Despair. Suffering in silence. I always wore a smile on my face to hide the fact that I was in complete darkness and needed help.

Oftentimes, we refuse to share our darkness with others because we don’t want to be a burden. Instead, we pretend everything’s OK when it’s not.

As I said in the beginning of my first self-love post, I had a conversation with myself. I wanted to be happy, but I had to learn how to create light in my life so that this darkness didn’t consume me.

It wasn’t easy.

I’m not going to tell you that the road to discovering self-love is easy. Everyone has a different story. Our paths are not the same.

But I do know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There are millions of people out there trying to discover themselves daily—even those who are rich and famous.

I wish someone would’ve realized the darkness I was in and told me that everything was going to be OK—that I wasn’t alone. Maybe I wouldn’t have tried a second and third attempt. But, as I said in my post yesterday, I can’t live in the past. Yes, I may have regrets, but I’ve learned to live with them and accept that everything happens for a reason.

You are not alone. Whenever you feel like darkness is setting in, talk to someone. Anyone!

It’s not always easy to share your feelings, but trust me, someone will listen. I will listen. If ever you need someone to talk to, I WILL LISTEN. I want to be there for you because we all need someone we can rely on. It takes a village.

If you’re in darkness at this very moment, just know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. You just gotta keep pushing ahead. Don’t lose hope.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

Update 2024
Reposting this brought back so many memories, both painful and healing. Darkness is suffocating, and grief can feel unbearable, but I remind myself that I’m not alone.

Rasheena’s death has brought me back to those feelings I had as a teenager—the isolation, the sadness, and the confusion. But this time, I’m holding on to the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

This is my reminder to you, and to myself: You are not alone. It’s okay to feel lost, to cry, and to hurt—but don’t lose hope. There is light even in the darkest times, and there are people who care. Let’s keep pushing forward, together.