I never thought being a mom would be such a struggle. In all honest, growing up hearing those “don’t bring any babies home” statements, I thought getting pregnant was something that would happen easily. But that’s not the case for most people. Me being one of them.
At 28 years old, I became pregnant for the 6th time with twins. I was excited and over the moon. I felt like this was it for me. I even shared the news with family members because the doctors were also optimistic. I went to my checkup that Monday and everything was fine. Wednesday I wasn’t feeling well. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions plus I didn’t see any blood.
I woke up and went to work the next day but the feeling got worse. I was hiding my pregnancy as much as possible because I wanted to wait till I find out what I was having before sharing my good news. I ended up texting my boss that I was pregnant and I wasn’t feeling well and I needed to leave ASAP.
I called my doctor and she instructed me to go straight to the hospital. The panic I felt I knew they were going to tell me what I suspected. I was having a miscarriage. AGAIN.
Everything around me went silence as I held my breath as they tried finding my babies heartbeats. Then I heard the doctor said “ I‘m sorry but there’s no heartbeat”.
No heartbeat. I heard what they said but I just couldn’t register what was happening. I listened to all my options, the risk of each option and said thank you and went home.
I couldn’t cry. Everything felt so unreal and I felt numb.
I decided against the dilation and curettage surgery. They explained that the next few days would be painful and wanted me to do the D&C but I couldn’t. If D&C was my last resort then so be it but If it wasn’t necessary, I wanted my body to do it naturally.
I went home, I crawled into bed and I still couldn’t cry.
I took off work for the next few days and the days that came were painful as hell.
It was one of the worst pain I’ve ever felt emotionally, physically and mentally. This was the first pregnancy I heard the heartbeat and had ultrasound pictures. I was prepared to become a mom and in an instant it was all gone. Broken didn’t come close to what I was or how I felt.
Things didn’t get any better moving forward. Being told I might have cancer and that the size of my ovarian cysts and fibroids were large and needed to be removed. I remember going into my doctors appointment expecting them to tell me I had cancer but instead they told me I didn’t have cancer but instead it was going to be hard for me to have kids. I would need to see a specialist. Being told having kids would be damn near impossible, for me, was worse than cancer itself.
Depression, anger and sadness. I felt like I was drowning under the weight of it all. But I didn’t want it to control my life. Having been down this road many times, I found an outlet to help me. Therapy, my old friend was one way. I moved on with my life and accepted everything I was told. I wanted to focus on the new change happening and all the changes I wanted in my life. I had a plan and I was ready to execute it.
But I guess fate had plans for me as well….
Feb 2019- I had my 6th miscarriage.
June 2019 – I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant.
